Thing 1: I’ve been doing that thing I do to myself wherein I convince myself I’m not writing because I don’t want to write. That not-writing represents a willpower/grit/motivational failure on my part. That I am avoiding the book writing because I am lazy, lack discipline, and lack What It Takes To Be Professional.
It’s a bullshit brain trap, but I fall for it every time. Worse than a cat and a laser pointer.
The reality is, I hurt. Not too much. Not really. I can get through days perfectly fine, I can be happy, take walks, do projects, enjoy eating, reading, watching movies, but…hrrm. The pain is THERE, at a non-ignorable level, and that makes a difference. It saps creative energy and destroys focus & disturbs sleep & so on. And writing when I’m in that pain
The twist is, knowing the reason is pain & not motivation doesn’t make me feel any better. It feels like exchanging one set of excuses for another. I mean, if I REALLY wanted it, pain wouldn’t stop me, right? What if I had to write to eat? Surely I would be motivated then, pain or no? I don’t know. Maybe? Does it matter?
Bottom line, I’m having a hard time punching that annoying, inner “you’re a lazy loser stop whining” critic in the figurative nose. Frustrating.
Thing 2: It’s also really hard to summon up enthusiasm for writing about a world where people are fighting an abusive bureaucracy that oppresses and kills the people it was put in place to protect…when that is happening to real people in this country every day.
It’s hard to concentrate on anything less than a week out from an election that will only be the beginning of the middle of a long, bloody war to shape our nation’s nature. We’ve been at war since June, after building from atrocities to open conflict for the last five to ten years and from criminal oppressio
Nobody seems to want to admit that we’re already at war, the media isn’t covering most of the conflicts, and they are language-ing the hell out of the ones they do cover…but I’ll stand by my assessment. I can pull up plenty of historical parallels. Most of them didn’t end well.
We can turn this around. There is nothing inevitable about any future. But the uncertainty of this pivotal election and its aftermath, are just UGH.
Thing 3: I am sick & tired of pandemic fatigue.
The human inability to process long-term existential threats is a well-documented problem. It’s a Known Thing. People come up with all kinds of rationalizations and convince themselves to ignore blatant, deadly dangers that have crept from DANGER to ohgeezisitstillthereboo.
But how in the name of all that’s good and gory can anyone think being tired of taking precautions is an acceptable reason to just stop TAKING them?
“I’ve been good for months now, but it’s awful and hard and I miss my old routines, and I am tired of there being a pandemic so….I’m going to risk my life and my family’s lives because I want to have a night out at a bar in a crowd? I’m tired of the pandemic so I’ll start visiting and hugging my vulnerable family members even it maybe kills them?
HOW IS EITHER ONE OF THOSE SCENARIOS ACCEPTABLE?
And all the pained think pieces and somber analysis and long, patient explanations I’ve seen have been worse than useless. How the everloving FUCK can these responsible experts discuss “pandemic fatigue” like it’s a valid take?
There are ways to fight threat fatigue, and ways to beat it. None of them involve excusing people engaging in deadly denial because they’re tired of being careful. The sheer level of WHATTHEFUCKNESS of the think pieces that spin it like that…just boggles me.
Thing 4: There is no thing 4.
Thing 5: what have I been up to since I’m not getting any wordsing done? Watching Lovecraft Country, Star Trek Discovery, Star Trek Shorts (THERE IS A WHOLE SERIES OF ST:SHORTS, HOW DID I MISS THAT?!) Great British Baking Show, Babysitter’s Guide to Babysitting, and a couple of other things I’ve forgotten already. Reading philosophy. Chatting with friends. Cleaning & organizing & refreshing my nesting space.
Thing 6: Book comes off the back burner tomorrow.
And that’s all the all there is for now.